Friday, 9 December 2011

Things I learnt watching "Tintorera!"

1. In 1970's Mexico, the only things that happened were shark attacks and orgies. (Confirmation Mike?)
2. "Chopper Chicks in Zombie Town," "Johnny Mnemonic" and "Titanic" are still the worst films I have ever seen
3. If you and your buddy's double act is reminiscent of Ted Bundy and The Zodiac, you will get all the hot chicks
4. Susan George is a terrible dancer
5. Apparently if you don't speak English or Spanish, you don't deserve to know what is being said in 50% of this film

6. This man (above) is utterly irresistible to women despite looking like a permanently constipated Kenny Everett
7. Continuity and plot are not at all important, the character of Steve is first seen in a hospital bed after having collapsed at work, he is next seen, within sixty seconds, on a boat in Mexico, with no explanation whatsoever.
8. You can cover the real time period of ten days in less than two minutes, even without a montage, you just have to say it's been ten days. 
9. "Tintorera!" has some of, if not the, most realistic shark attack sequences I have ever seen.
10. In the 1970's, it seems attempted rape is something women think is funny.
11. "Zazzil" is the Mayan word for scotch on the rocks. I learnt this during this dazzling exchange;

"What's a zazzil?
"Zazzil huh? It's the Mayan word for Scotch on the rocks,"
"I'll have a Vodka and tonic...aren't you going to have your Zazzil?"
"I think I'll have a Martguerita"

12. No matter what your film is actually about and no matter how boring it might be, it becomes instantly watchable, even enjoyable, if you put sharks in it and on the cover. See the Burt Reynolds straight to video masterpiece "Shark" as proof. Full film here if you're interested.
13. Our attitude to sharks has changed enormously and without question, for the better.
14. CGI sharks really, really suck. Although that's hardly news to anyone, if this (brilliant) piece of crap can offer up live shark footage like they have, there is no excuse for Hollywood to keep forcing bad CGI sharks upon us when the real thing looks as good as it does.
15. Susan George swims like she's riding a bike.
16. Two men sharing one woman never ends well. 

17. The 70's looks like possibly the most fun anyone has ever had. (Confirmation Mike?)
18.  It's possible to make a film entirely about threesomes seem mainstream if you put sharks in it.
19. The cutaway wasn't invented when this film was made meaning the main character appears to be in up to four different places at the same time.
20. It's still shocking to see actual live animals being killed purely for a film, how things change!
21. I still have no idea whether Steve lives or dies at the end, an ending which looks as though they just ran out of time and had an hour to finish the film.

Is Tintorera! a good film? Hell no! Is it unintentionally funny? Yes! The real life Shark/Turtle/Eagle Ray killings aside, I actually quite enjoyed it. If you like films with the following ingredients, sharks, boobs, beards, speedos and really bad dubbing, then you might too.

Make your own mind up here. Feel free to post your own reviews in the comments section.

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Shark Diver said...

And the dude looks like the Manah Manah Guy from Sesame Street to boot!

OfficetoOcean said...

Haha that is amazing, he really, really does! :D

I actually think, given this film's cultish status, could it be that Tarantino, a self confessed fan of crap films, named the character "stiglitz" in Inglorious Basterds after the main man himself?!

DaShark said...

Are you talking to me?

Yup, confirmed - and then some! :)